5 Lessons I Learned from My Mom on Leadership and Getting Sh!t Done

Most of what I aspire to, on my best days, I’ve learned from my mom. The lessons I learned from her have guided me throughout my life, as a son, student, friend, partner, parent, teammate and CEO. Here are 5 of those lessons, complements of my mom (a.k.a Amma).

1. Be the first in, last out

After my dad died, things were tough for a few years. My mom quit her job working for the government as her salary wasn’t sufficient to raise my brother and me in the way she wanted. She took over my dad’s small business, which at that time was in debt and in trouble, and for the next several years, she worked her butt off. She would wake up before 5am to prepare for work, and make breakfast and lunch for my brother and I to take to school before we woke up. She would also often work past midnight, as I later found out, to get caught up as she scrambled to turn around a business she was unfamiliar with. She never asked her associates to do the same, but many of them did, inspired by her relentless commitment and drive.

Working too many hours and not getting enough sleep is not tenable in the long run, but when your back’s against the wall or you’re in the middle of a crisis, the one thing you can control is the effort you put in.

2. You need hustle, not experience

When Amma took over my dad’s business, she knew little about running a business, and nothing at all about import/export/distribution/retail which were all critical aspects of the business she took over. She opened her first line of credit because the banker couldn’t say no to her (he tried), she learned accounting on the fly because the books were a mess and she couldn’t afford to hire outside help (and by the time she was done, the books were immaculate), she travelled in a beat up delivery van all around the country to convince retailers to buy her goods when no one would place an order (they eventually did). Within a year, the business was not in crisis, and within a few years, Amma had lifted our family from not being able to pay our bills to being able to go on vacation.

If you’re passionate about what you’re doing, about the change you want to see in the world, the hustle you bring will more than make up for any lack of experience.

3. Never lower your standards

No one would say that Amma was easy to work for/with. Everyone would say she was demanding, exacting and fair. It didn’t matter if it was the staff at her business, the volunteers in her non profit which she later started, or the government minister she came out of retirement to work for, she expected the same of everyone, their very best work. Mistakes and failures were just fine, but there were no acceptable excuses for sloppy work or incomplete work or late work, unless of course you weren’t feeling well. And if someone didn’t do their job well, Amma wasn’t afraid to roll up her sleeves and do it herself. Some might have seen her as being too tough or demanding, but most found her expectations of excellence and frank response to the lack there of refreshing and inspiring. Growing up, Amma never, not once, asked my brother or I to do our homework, study for a test, go to sports practice or train for a competition. We had watched her and learned from her to set high standards for ourselves.

You don’t need to be leading a team to set high standards, just do it, and don’t let up, and others will follow.

4. Don’t be afraid to break the rules

When I was thirteen, I fractured by left arm during rugby practice. I had broken both bones in my forearm, it looked like I had two elbows, and I was in a lot of pain. The coach drove me to the hospital and I was going to be taken into surgery right away. Coach was asked to leave the room, and I felt alone and afraid. Then I heard my mom (whom coach had called on our way to the hospital), yelling at the nurses and doctors who were telling her she couldn’t visit me since I was being prepped for surgery. They were telling her that only hospital staff could be in the room, those were the rules. She must have had to push a few people out of the way, but she sure didn’t let the rules stop her. I was embarrassed as hell (being a tough rugby player and all…), but so glad she did what she did. Most parents would do the same, but with Amma, she would do that for anyone, be there for those who needed help, do the right thing no matter the rules.

You’ll be confronted with rules that tell you can’t do the thing you know to be right, as long as you’re not breaking the law, screw the rules.

5. Compassion is your greatest strength

When the devastating Asian Tsunami hit in December 2004, Amma had retired from her business and had started a non profit to help marginalized children and families in Sri Lanka (where I grew up and she still resides). I was working in Europe at the time, took some time off and flew home, to help in any way I could. When I got home, she let me tag along to get a sense for the reality on the ground.

We visited a make-shift shelter where dozens families were camped out. All of them had lost their homes, many had lost so much more. We met a mother who was huddled in a corner, weeping. She told us the story of what had happened. She said “when the water came, I held on to my two children as tightly as I could. but then we started to get swept away. I needed to hold on to something else, so I had to let one of my children go.”

My mom held that woman, and sat with her. Eventually, she said to her, “no mother should have to go through what you just went through. What you need to do now is to be here for your child who did survive. Focus on him and find the strength within you need to go on”

The best I could do was to walk away before I broke down in tears. All of the tools in my toolbox — my trauma training, my connections to counseling services and housing shelters, my financial support — were useless. But Amma reminded me that sometimes (maybe most times), compassion is the greatest resource you can share.

As we all navigate through this crisis, surrounded by fear and panic, I try to remember these lessons I learned as a kid, growing up with a mother whom I can’t thank enough.

Happy Mothers Day.